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Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Hot Girls Farting

The Fart Girl Poem

hot girl, hot girl, a work of art;
hot girl, hot girl, why must you fart?
a beautiful flower you are, so much;
but what is this, this, dust you thrust? 
so pretty, so sweet, so raunchy, so cheap;
so gentle and soft, you just belt it and scoff; 
a rumble of the buns, then a laugh then a run;
drop bass, make haste; I think I can taste;
one kiss, quick, then float the biscuit;
the spark in your eyes, then fart and disguise;
blame him, blame her, blame them;
oh hot girl, you farter, you farter.

I think it’s funny that the first poem that I’ve ever written turns out to be about hot girls farting.  That is so me.  And it goes to show why I’m not a poet.  I can’t write music lyrics, which is basically what I think poetry is.  It took me days and several tries just to write this stupid one about hot girls farting, and it still amounted to very little -just mostly hot air (ba-da-dum!).

I am writing the piece just as an observation and commentary on modern life and modern people.  And of the great many things that I’ve observed, one is that chicks are now open farters.  Hey, don’t get me wrong, this guy thinks it’s great.  I like pretty much any situation where women are doing things that traditional men have done or said that women shouldn’t or couldn’t do.  That may be as big as hold a CEO position, be President, or be as small as talking, laughing with their mouths open or, in this case, farting.  More power to you, girls.  Fart on!

Ok, so a certain someone that is very close to me and also under the age of two, let’s call her “Jane”, likes to fart.  I know she likes it because she laughs about it all the time.  I do too.  She farts, I laugh.  I fart, I laugh.  Childish?  Absolutely.  I am quite so, on many things.  I’ve fallen into laugh attacks when people have dropped huge farts while using the urinal at the bathroom at my job.  I think it’s funny, what can I do.  So Jane farts a lot.  And it’s because she is healthy.  She eats a very balanced and nutritious diet loaded with fruits, vegetables, legumes, all balanced with some healthy fats, animal protein, and breads and cereals.  She gets the occasional sugar too, through cinnamon cookies and yogurt.  We are not monsters, after all. 

So when Jane, who eats better than we do, farts, we think it’s supposed to be like that.  After all, she has the ideal diet.  I asked myself if I was going to try to teach her that farting was wrong to do in front of people and that she should make an effort to hold it in or go to the bathroom to do it.  That seemed wrong, though.  I mean really, who does that?  I bet a lot of people.

I asked my wife about it, and she quickly pointed out that it was not only more accepted to fart openly, but that her friends from work fart all the time.  That’s when things began to formulate in my mind.  Fortunately, Jane is lucky to be blessed with looks.  She is going to be a beautiful woman someday, and even though it hurts me to describe it so, she is going to be a hot girl.  More than that, she is going to be a hot girl farting, and she is going to own it.

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