Puff Pieces by Adrian: Hot Girls Farting

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Hot Girls Farting

The Fart Girl Poem

hot girl, hot girl, a work of art;

hot girl, hot girl, why must you fart?

a beautiful flower you are, so much;

but what is this, this, dust you thrust?

so pretty, so sweet, so raunchy, so cheap;

so gentle and soft, you just belt it and scoff;

a rumble of the buns, then a laugh then a run;

drop bass, make haste; I think I can taste;

one kiss, quick, then float the biscuit;

the spark in your eyes, then fart and disguise;

blame him, blame her, blame them;

oh hot girl, you farter, you farter.

I think it’s funny that the first poem that I’ve ever written turns out to be about hot girls farting. That is so me. And it goes to show why I’m not a poet. I can’t write music lyrics, which is basically what I think poetry is. It took me days and several tries just to write this stupid one about hot girls farting, and it still amounted to very little -just mostly hot air (ba-da-dum!).

I am writing the piece just as an observation and commentary on modern life and modern people. And of the great many things that I’ve observed, one is that chicks are now open farters. Hey, don’t get me wrong, this guy thinks it’s great. I like pretty much any situation where women are doing things that traditional men have done or said that women shouldn’t or couldn’t do. That may be as big as hold a CEO position, be President, or be as small as talking, laughing with their mouths open or, in this case, farting. More power to you, girls. Fart on!

Ok, so a certain someone that is very close to me and also under the age of two, let’s call her “Jane”, likes to fart. I know she likes it because she laughs about it all the time. I do too. She farts, I laugh. I fart, I laugh. Childish? Absolutely. I am quite so, on many things. I’ve fallen into laugh attacks when people have dropped huge farts while using the urinal at the bathroom at my job. I think it’s funny, what can I do. So Jane farts a lot. And it’s because she is healthy. She eats a very balanced and nutritious diet loaded with fruits, vegetables, legumes, all balanced with some healthy fats, animal protein, and breads and cereals. She gets the occasional sugar too, through cinnamon cookies and yogurt. We are not monsters, after all.

So when Jane, who eats better than we do, farts, we think it’s supposed to be like that. After all, she has the ideal diet. I asked myself if I was going to try to teach her that farting was wrong to do in front of people and that she should make an effort to hold it in or go to the bathroom to do it. That seemed wrong, though. I mean really, who does that? I bet a lot of people.

I asked my wife about it, and she quickly pointed out that it was not only more accepted to fart openly, but that her friends from work fart all the time. That’s when things began to formulate in my mind. Fortunately, Jane is lucky to be blessed with looks. She is going to be a beautiful woman someday, and even though it hurts me to describe it so, she is going to be a hot girl. More than that, she is going to be a hot girl farting, and she is going to own it.

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Revolution of the Soul. A Mission Statement.

I am by default, and through no fault of my own, different. I’m not out cruising the boulevard on the weekends, blasting oldies-but-goodies with the homies. I am also not listening to rock en Espanol, speaking in Spanish-only with my friends. I could fit into either stereotype perfectly though, and to an outsider, I probably appear to be from either or both worlds. I have brown skin, which is pretty much all it takes. It’s not that simple though, as others like me surely understand. I speak some Spanish but I also speak perfect English. I went to college. I love hamburgers and fries, and hip-hop, and alternative music. I have simply integrated into American culture from the start, because I was born here, and because I wanted to.

I’m glad that I’m not still stuck in Mexico somewhere, growing up a third world existence, which statistically would have been the case, had my familia never come here. But I am glad to have come from a country and peoples with such a rich and vibrant history. There are many reasons having such a heritage is a good thing, and I am proud to be a part of it. I am glad to have been born here in America, and happy to be part of this system. I’m happier yet that I didn’t grow up as a cholo gang-banging, tagger, too-cool-for school type of guy, even though I’ve had plenty of chances, given my surroundings. That subculture is not all bad either, depending on the level of involvement and the choices one makes. In other words, you can look the part without being a thug, or a social, or immigrant, or anything else, que no? This is true of all life.

So even though I am different, I am by no means alone, and I know this. The problem for me is that I’m not seeing enough representation out there in the media. I’m not seeing a lot of works written, or filmed, for people like me. It annoys me, too, for a lot of political reasons, because our image is grossly misrepresented. Sure the gangbanger cholos are fun to include in film, because violence sells. However, that only perpetuates a false image. These days, it seems as though everyone in this country sees us either as cholos or as immigrants that refuse to assimilate, legal or not. This angers me because we are so many different things including a multitude of diversity within our own subculture. It’s pretty frickin’ beautiful, if everyone only knew…

Either way, I decided to make the changes I wanted to see, on my own. I’m writing stories for me, for you, and for everyone else, and my main characters are all Latino, and not just Mexican-Latino either. My stories are not about quinceaneras or growing up as a pocho in high school. They are not about crossing the border, or starting any revolutions. The only revolution I write about is the Revolution of the Soul. My stories are meant to entertain and inspire people, and hopefully many of you will relate to them in one way or another, and see yourselves there in them, wherever that may be.